Oh how quickly things change....

I have been avoiding asking DeMitt if he has signed the papers and if he has sent them. I guess in the back of my mind I was hoping that he might change his mind. But My mom informed me that maybe I should touch base with him about it. So I sent the text. He told me he had them signed last week, and didn't understand why he was holding on to them for so long. He said he is going to send them out tomorrow. So of course....I am crying. the past few weeks have been so hard...wondering what is going on with the papers. Knowing they are have been drafted and out there..somewhere in florida. Did he hide them away? Did he read through everything? Is he changing his mind? Does he want it over fast? But now I know and I think it was better not knowing. It is coming down to being final and I'm scared to death. I'm scared that this is the wrong decision, I'm scared that it could be the right one. I'm scared of being alone, not having a family. I'm scared of not ever feeling wanted or in love. I'm scared that I have turned into one of those girls that don't trust men. I'm scared how this will affect my emotionally and will it carry over to my job? I'm scared that if he wanted to come home, the decision I would have to make. (Everyone knows I hate making decisions) Most of all, I'm scared of my own thoughts. the mind is mean and scary when you feel your going crazy. how in the hell did this happen to me. I don't fucking understand it.

I hear people say you can't be with someone else until your comfortable being with yourself. your until you learn to love yourself you can't truly love someone else. Well, how do you do that? How do you change a mindset that you've had for 30 years of never feeling good enough? How do you change getting so down on yourself when things in your life don't go as planned? How do you love and feel comfortable with yourself when all you feel towards yourself is guilt, frustration, discouragement, uglyness, weakness. People say, don't let life pass you by....life can fucking go as fast as it wants. Go pass me and never look back.

another week, and renewing my resolution

Alexandra thinking she needs poles. she did so great skiing. she did all the blues with all of us. she kicked butt!!!

As you can tell, the sun was in our eyes. This us just after we got out of the car at Deer Valley

This is Alexandra being a Snow Bunny. When she got her ski's on I said,"look at that snow bunny." (Meaning her) She turned and said,"Where?" Poor girl was actually looking for an animal.

She's so damn cute!!

I decided to post some pictures of skiing last week. We had a great time up at Deer Valley. I was bummed this saturday, because it would have been so nice to go back up, but we couldn't get the free passes again.

This week was a pretty good week as far as emotions go. I am feeling more like myself, which is a good thing. I have been in better contact with my good friend lisa from College. She got married and went through a divorce as well. She is contimplating moving in with me. I really hope she does for two reasons...1--It will be good for me to have someone else in the house 2--i could use the money. I should have enough money for me, but when I was depressed and getting out of my slump....I rediscovered credit cards. Which is really sad...because I charged up a lot of things. I will not disclose it here, but I didn' thave cc debt before and now I do. I am so mad at myself. I know I was doing it to try to make myself feel better, but of course I don't. I feel worse for spending the money that I don't have...but when I was working out a lot....I wasn't spending money. Imagine that. So I am going to start again this week. I have to do something to take up my time.

I'm hoping this summer I will really get into hiking and being outside. I wish my dogs leg would start feeling better so we can start going to the park. He is going crazy and I am going crazy not being able to take him to do anything.

Spring break is coming up and I am headed to Boise to see Virginia. It is her birthday and it should be a great time. I know she will help me take my mind off things, but I am always so sad to leave her. Mostly cause I don't want to come home to my crappy life. she motivates me to be better and keeps my mind off things.

Crazy week

What a crazy week or week in a half I have had. I have been in this major rut that I just seem to be getting out of. I didn't take my medicine for 3 days....just because I forgot...and I will never do that again. I crashed majorly bad. My therapist says because my body is addicted to the drug, I had a major crash and that is not how I will be without the Zoloft. I hope he was right. But it has taken about a week to start feeling normal again. But a few things happened this week that didn't help my situation.

On Monday I decided to file for divorce. I have had it planned for a few weeks. I thought about changing it, since my father-in-law died....but I felt like if I changed it, then i would continue to change it. I just had to stick to my plan. Shauntel, my sister, came with me. Which was good because I went to the wrong building and I didn't have my debit card on me. So she drove me to the right building and eneded up having to pay for the divorce. (I paid her back). It was so interesting. I was expecting someone to sit with me and go over things, but no...it was done in 5 min. Which was hard for me...I wanted to scream at the lady," don't you care that my heart is broken? Do you care that my dreams of having a family are gone?" But she just took my money, gave me a case number and told me to bring back his paperwork when I get it back. It was hard, it was even harder sending him the papers....but i had to do it soon...or I was afraid i would chicken out.

I was planning on giving him the papers when I went to the funeral, but unfortunately I wasn't able to go. Which was really hard for me. I really wanted to be there for DeMitt's family because they have been really great to be there for me. But in the end I had to just send flowers. I was surprised at how upset I was that I couldn't go...but I know deep down I really wanted to see him. It has been about 6 months since we have seen each other. I hate that I am admitting that, but it is the truth. I didn't realize it was the truth until my friend lisa said it outloud. She was right...i wanted to see DeMitt. Even though I told myself it wasn't a big deal, I knew that it would be.

Good and Bad

Yesterday was filled with both good and bad news. First the bad news. Carlo DiGrazia died yesterday. He is DeMitt's step-father, but really the only father that DeMitt has really ever known. He was such a kind hearted person. He truly wanted what was best for his family. He was always so kind to me, especially when things started turning sour with DeMitt and I. I know everyone is going to miss him.

This is at Christmas two years ago. We are all getting ready to open gifts. This isn't a great pic of Carl, but its the only one I can find.

Things I remember about Carlo:

• His comments he makes while driving his Caddi
• His War References
• Trips to Jewel
• "Wears my John McCain T-shirt (this was said after everyone was given a Barack Obama T-shirt for Christmas.
• Beer Cooler (he called it a beer cooler, Annie would get mad at him because it had other drinks in there too. "Carl, it's a cooler, not a beer cooler)
• "No Worries, we don't have any video camera's down stairs." (DeMitt knows this one)
• Birthday cakes and ice cream for everyone's birthday.
• The Pub
• Great food
• The love he had for all his kids and grandkids.

We will miss you Carlo!

Deer Valley--The good part of the day

Mom skiing

Me trying to capture the slopes and the pretty day, but really I couldn't see what I was taking a picture of.

This is mom telling me that I need a pic of myself. She took it.

Yesterday I had a great day skiing up at Deer Valley with my mom. We had a great time and it was even better cause it was free!!! We were able to score some free ski tickets. It was the perfect day because we had just got a new patch of snow the day before and it was so pretty and sunny yesterday. (even though the pictures don't show it. It was a fantastic day)

Me vs. You

I know you have potential, you think you are a loser
I know you are attractive, you think your ok
I know I'm overweight, you think I'm unattractive
I know you can be get yourself out of this rut, you think your hopeless
I know it will be hard, you don't even want to try
I know success comes with hard work, you look for the easy way
I know there is more to success than money, you think that is the only way to measure up
I know you are who I want to be with, you think your not good enough
I know I was happy when I was with you, but apparently you weren't
I hope there is still a chance, you are sure this is best
I know I have never been this sad, you don't want to know
I don't see an end in sight of my sadness, you think it will pass
I have to deal with our old life, you get to start a new one
I know the mistakes I made and will change, you run and don't look back
I love and miss you, you love and miss the cat and dog.