I've been tagged

4 shows I like to watch:

Big Love
True Blood
Grey's Antatomy
Vampire Diaries

4 things I'm passionate about:

Family
Friends
Success
Being happy

4 phrases I say a lot:

For real?
Gal
Bullshit
That which doesn't kill me, only makes me strong (I mostly say this to myself)

4 things I learned from the past:

I can't control others
Everyone is going through something
Communicate
Smile...it might make someones day

4 places I would like to go:

greece
Africa
China
Brazil

4 things I did yesterday:

Had lunch with the family
played soccer with my niece and nephew
shot patron
Danced with a 23 year old

4 things I'm looking forward too:

Not being sad anymore
feeling good about myself
atlanta!!!!
June!

4 things I love about winter:

It's pretty
hoodies
soup
blankets

4 things on my wishlist:

A new metabolism
a million dollars
a family
a VP job

Phoenix, AZ

This week I was able to fly to Phoenix Arizona for an educator's conference. I went with 7 people total and it was such a great conference. Many inspiring educators that are doing wonderful things for students. I hope that I can take what I learned from this conference and from my mentors to do positive things for students. It is really awe inspiring how you can make a difference in students lives.

Also in AZ, I was able to go to the Jon Bon Jovi concert. It was freaking awesome!!! I loved it!!! He is so dang cute with this tight jeans and his feathered hair. I had such a great time, I didn't want to come home!!

Great Weekend

This lady had the best Mullet I have seen in a long time. do you see heidi pretending to pose, while I take a picture of her.

Kavon, Noe, Alberto, Val and Serg!! Really these guys are so much fun. We love hanging out with them. Such great friends.

Before we headed for the bar

Jamie, Danielle and Heidi

What a great weekend. Last night a bunch of friends headed to Wendover to celebrate my 30th birthday and Kavon's and Chuma's birthdays as well. I think we had a total of 15 people there. WE had so much fun!!! We stopped and grabbed some boos and headed west. The drive was long, but well worth the fun we had that night. I am so thankful for all of my friends and the support they have given me as I have been going through this rough time. It was a great way to let off some steam

Highlights of the Wendover Trip:

• PATRON!!!!


• Dancing


• DAnny!!!


• Jesus and his beads


• The millionaires


• Meeting dan oh wait, I mean Sean


• Looking at Seans pictures on his phone


• The scary van


• The strip club


• laying on my comfortable bed


• Jamie having so many choices


• Danielle throwing up (the picture says it all)


• Heidi squeezing her way onto her rightful spot


• Breakfast


• The Mullet

Father-in-law

Very sad news this weekend. I found out my dear father-in-law has stage four lung cancer. He has been sick over the past months. First it was H1N1, then it was a cold. they finally took him into the hospital and they found the cancer and he has pneumonia. They can't treat the cancer cause of the pneumonia and they can't treat the pneumonia cause the cancer. He has been sedated for the past few days. They don't think he will last a week. He is such a kind person and it makes me so sad for him and demitts family. Thank goodness for Cynthia (sister-in-law) she called to tell me what is going on. She called Thursday when they found out, but just left me a message to call her back. Then she got a hold of my yesterday. DeMitt has been there since Thursday and he didn't bother to call and tell me anything. That really hurt my feelings. Then Cynthia called me and asked if our divorce was final. I told I just had started the paperwork this week. Apparently DeMitt is going around and telling everyone that our divorce is final. I just started crying. Why does it hurt so bad? I guess it is just coming to terms with everything. My thoughts and prayers are with Carlo and his family.

Hopefully next week I will have something positive to report....everything i write is just too damn depressing.

Kunz vs. Rutledge

So my birthday didn't turn out half bad. Steve ended up having the officers sing happy birthday to me over the announcements. He also had the choir class sing to me during first lunch. All day I had students coming up and wishing me happy birthday. I know it sounds shallow, but I was so thankful for those students. I didn't have time to feel bad for myself, because of all the students coming up to me and wishing me a happy birthday. It helped cope with being alone on my birthday.

Last week I started filing papers for the divorce. I was doing well, until the question came up," do you want to change your name back?" It took me off guard. So I clicked save and exit. I wasn't ready for it. But the more I thought about it, I really didn't care. It would just be one more thing I have to do...and I don't have the energy. So I am keeping Rutledge.

Tonight I stayed late to work and I decided to finish filing. With no one here it was perfect for me to finish what I started. I was doing pretty well...but then our dear ISS lady came in and asked how I had been doing. I just broke down and started crying. I hate that I have to do this. I wish there was a book that told you waht you needed to do and how you should feel for example:

month 1: keep busy do what you can to stay a float

Month 2: take down all of the pictures that may remind you of anything to do with him.

month 3: clean out your house of everything he left behind. Emotion check: if you can't control your emotions see a doctor--you might be depressed. IF you can control your emotions...keep up the good work

month 9: file for divorce...

Something like that. I wish I had something to tell me what I should do and how I should feel...that way I wouldn't feel so out of control and a bit normal.

Happy Birthday....or not

So tomorrow is my birthday and I am turning 30. Everyone asks you, "How does it feel to be turning 30." My answer is the same everytime. "I don't feel any different, besides the divorce I am feel I am doing pretty good with where I am at in my life." I thought I believed that, until tonight at spin class. For some reason in the middle of spin class I felt my emotions get the best of me. I wasn't concentrating on my class, but instead of how crappy I feel about being alone. Isn't that so stupid. Why is it just 45 mins before I was telling Heidi how I am ok with turning 30, but then I can barely control my emotions about the exact same thing. Once again, Iknow I have plenty of friends and family that love me and that are there for me, but it is different. I can't explain how different it is, but it is. I would have been fine having a 30th birthday and being single or whatever....but I thought when I chose to get married, I wouldn't be spending birthdays alone. So here I am on the eve of my birthday and I can't stop the tears from coming. Oh my hell just when you think you are moving forward, this happens.

Do what I think is one of the worst parts about this. How most people tell me, "oh, Neesha things will be ok...you will find someone better." or "There is someone out there for you, don't get discouraged." What am I supposed to say? When I was single and had never been married, people never said that to me. Friends, family or acquaintances never said anything to me about not losing hope etc. But now, that is all anyone can say. I remember my cousin Candice telling me that her family would say that stuff all the time to her, but I never was told it and how thankful I was not too. But now that is all anyone can say. Don't get me wrong....I know the people that are saying it, have good intentions. It is just hard to here, because honestly.....I thought I found that person. I thought I found the one that was out there for me. Why take the chance again? oh, this entire situation is so frustrating. I'm hoping that my emotions will change to being more positive as fast as it went negative....wheres the zoloft?

Weight update: I weighed myself Sunday and I weighed 255.4 lbs. I have lost 15 lbs and I'm so excited!!! It is a great motivation to keep going to the gym.