Oh how quickly things change....

I have been avoiding asking DeMitt if he has signed the papers and if he has sent them. I guess in the back of my mind I was hoping that he might change his mind. But My mom informed me that maybe I should touch base with him about it. So I sent the text. He told me he had them signed last week, and didn't understand why he was holding on to them for so long. He said he is going to send them out tomorrow. So of course....I am crying. the past few weeks have been so hard...wondering what is going on with the papers. Knowing they are have been drafted and out there..somewhere in florida. Did he hide them away? Did he read through everything? Is he changing his mind? Does he want it over fast? But now I know and I think it was better not knowing. It is coming down to being final and I'm scared to death. I'm scared that this is the wrong decision, I'm scared that it could be the right one. I'm scared of being alone, not having a family. I'm scared of not ever feeling wanted or in love. I'm scared that I have turned into one of those girls that don't trust men. I'm scared how this will affect my emotionally and will it carry over to my job? I'm scared that if he wanted to come home, the decision I would have to make. (Everyone knows I hate making decisions) Most of all, I'm scared of my own thoughts. the mind is mean and scary when you feel your going crazy. how in the hell did this happen to me. I don't fucking understand it.

I hear people say you can't be with someone else until your comfortable being with yourself. your until you learn to love yourself you can't truly love someone else. Well, how do you do that? How do you change a mindset that you've had for 30 years of never feeling good enough? How do you change getting so down on yourself when things in your life don't go as planned? How do you love and feel comfortable with yourself when all you feel towards yourself is guilt, frustration, discouragement, uglyness, weakness. People say, don't let life pass you by....life can fucking go as fast as it wants. Go pass me and never look back.