What a crazy week or week in a half I have had. I have been in this major rut that I just seem to be getting out of. I didn't take my medicine for 3 days....just because I forgot...and I will never do that again. I crashed majorly bad. My therapist says because my body is addicted to the drug, I had a major crash and that is not how I will be without the Zoloft. I hope he was right. But it has taken about a week to start feeling normal again. But a few things happened this week that didn't help my situation.
On Monday I decided to file for divorce. I have had it planned for a few weeks. I thought about changing it, since my father-in-law died....but I felt like if I changed it, then i would continue to change it. I just had to stick to my plan. Shauntel, my sister, came with me. Which was good because I went to the wrong building and I didn't have my debit card on me. So she drove me to the right building and eneded up having to pay for the divorce. (I paid her back). It was so interesting. I was expecting someone to sit with me and go over things, but no...it was done in 5 min. Which was hard for me...I wanted to scream at the lady," don't you care that my heart is broken? Do you care that my dreams of having a family are gone?" But she just took my money, gave me a case number and told me to bring back his paperwork when I get it back. It was hard, it was even harder sending him the papers....but i had to do it soon...or I was afraid i would chicken out.
I was planning on giving him the papers when I went to the funeral, but unfortunately I wasn't able to go. Which was really hard for me. I really wanted to be there for DeMitt's family because they have been really great to be there for me. But in the end I had to just send flowers. I was surprised at how upset I was that I couldn't go...but I know deep down I really wanted to see him. It has been about 6 months since we have seen each other. I hate that I am admitting that, but it is the truth. I didn't realize it was the truth until my friend lisa said it outloud. She was right...i wanted to see DeMitt. Even though I told myself it wasn't a big deal, I knew that it would be.
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i know what you mean about your expectations over something like that... taking a long time, feeling like no one really knows or understands what a big deal it is for you. what a big deal even the small things are. i get that. oh and please do not forget to take your meds. glad they are helping you. love you!
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