So my birthday didn't turn out half bad. Steve ended up having the officers sing happy birthday to me over the announcements. He also had the choir class sing to me during first lunch. All day I had students coming up and wishing me happy birthday. I know it sounds shallow, but I was so thankful for those students. I didn't have time to feel bad for myself, because of all the students coming up to me and wishing me a happy birthday. It helped cope with being alone on my birthday.
Last week I started filing papers for the divorce. I was doing well, until the question came up," do you want to change your name back?" It took me off guard. So I clicked save and exit. I wasn't ready for it. But the more I thought about it, I really didn't care. It would just be one more thing I have to do...and I don't have the energy. So I am keeping Rutledge.
Tonight I stayed late to work and I decided to finish filing. With no one here it was perfect for me to finish what I started. I was doing pretty well...but then our dear ISS lady came in and asked how I had been doing. I just broke down and started crying. I hate that I have to do this. I wish there was a book that told you waht you needed to do and how you should feel for example:
month 1: keep busy do what you can to stay a float
Month 2: take down all of the pictures that may remind you of anything to do with him.
month 3: clean out your house of everything he left behind. Emotion check: if you can't control your emotions see a doctor--you might be depressed. IF you can control your emotions...keep up the good work
month 9: file for divorce...
Something like that. I wish I had something to tell me what I should do and how I should feel...that way I wouldn't feel so out of control and a bit normal.
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