Bugsy Malone

This week was a sad week. On Thursday night when I got home from my second job, I found Bugsy Malone up in my room unable to move. When I got close to him I noticed that he was shaking (like and individual that has Parkinson's disease). So I picked him and I noticed that he was in a real big daze and he couldn't blink his right eye. So I just wrapped him in a blanket and laid down with him on my chest. He just laid there and didn't move. (Which is so unlike Bugsy...he will always want to try to get in your face). I was crying because I knew that this was it. I called DeMitt and we were both crying on the phone. DeMitt has had this cat for 17 years. He made it through the night, but he didn't move at all and ended up peeing through the blanket. So DeMitt and I decided it was time to take him in and put him down. So Friday morning I went to the vet about 8am and we put Bugster down. I was able to hold him in a blanket while they did it. It was so sad, I was having a hard time breathing because I was crying so hard. IT is so hard to have to put down a pet. He was the best and Demitt and I loved him. I'm not even a huge cat fan, but Bug's made me a believer. He was one bad ass cat. I love you Bugsy, we will miss you!

Things I will miss about Bugsy Malone:

--His huge green eyes

--His courage. He was never afraid of anyone, or any dog

--How great he was with my nieces and nephews

--He always sat on my lap when I was sad

--Bugsy boning my robe (yes with the pelvic thrusts and all

--How much you love Wendy's hamburgers

--Tripping over you in the kitchen

--Seeing you chill with Jersey (i know she is going to miss her sleeping buddy)

--You kicking Diesel's ass

--His pur

Love you Bugs!

Update

Well, today I weighted myself and I weight 266. A loss of 4 lbs. So I am pretty excited. I do need to do better on eating choices. It's been hard because this week I did a lot of fruits and vegetables and I had the runs a lot. (I know that you don't want to hear that, but I'm just being honest). I am hoping that my body is just trying to get used to the different foods. I only worked out three days this week and had two meals of fast food. I have to do better!!

Eating, and eating and eating

I swear all I do all day long is eat. Leaving the gym I have a granola bar, when I get to school I drink my Activia (thanks Heidi) and apples, peas, or more granola bars. Then I go and visit classrooms, or go to class parties and what do they have...donuts, cookies, chocolate everything that I absolutely love!!! And that is just before lunch. At lunch I still have my food that I eat. The afternoons aren't too bad, but I just feel so crappy after. Here I am working my ass off at the gym and then I come to the school and have a damn donut. I should know better!!! Heidi tells me that change takes time and that it is ok. Everyone knows someone that vows not to eat treat/dessert for one year...well I have been contemplating doing that. But that would be so hard for me. I am still deciding...but one thing is for sure...there has to be change and to get change I have to change my behavior. (god I sound like I'm talking to my old students).

losing weight update

This week I was able to work out with the following:
Monday: Body pump and 30 min of spin
Tuesday: 45 min of spin in the morning, and 50 min of spin in the after noon.
Wednesday: Didn't make it (meeting at 7 am)
Thursday: Didn't make it
Friday: Pump and 30 min of spin
Saturday: 50 of spin.

I feel pretty good to my start with the workout routine. I did figure out a few bumps on the way (hence the not going to the gym Wednesday and Thursday, but hopefully thing will run a bit more smoothly). Thank God my friend Heidi is able to workout with me in the mornings. She is great and we enjoy each other. It makes it a bit easier to wake up in the mornings.

I have to say I didn't do to well with my eating routine. Virginia came down from Boise and there was a lot of eating out. But oh well. I hopefully be the person that says, " I workout so I can eat what I want!!" but I have to get down in weight to get there.

So my starting weight was 270...this week...i still weight 270. I have a crappy scale and I am going to buy a better this week. But, no weight lost. But I am feeling better and that is all that counts. I know this will take time, and I just have to keep trying.

The resolutions

Here are my resolutions for the New Year:

1: To lose weight. My goal is to lose 50 lbs by the summer. That is an average of two pounds a week. Within this goal, I am going to run a 5k and hopefully a half marathon. I put this on here not as a goal, but as a possibility. I don't know if I like running. I hope one day I will, but if I don't like running....then I will just continue to work out to lose weight. I am contemplating Weight Watchers.

2: To stay on Budget this year. I have developed a spreadsheet of my fiances and use mint.com. Hopefully this will make me more aware of my spending and keep me on budget



These are my two goals. I guess we will see how I do with them.

Really? Already? 2010 can't start out like this.

It's so interesting to me how emotions can change so quickly. I started this blog declaring that I was going to make 2010 a great year because 2009 was so hard. This is the year that I am supposed to be taking back the control of my life. 2009 was my uncontrollable year. I couldn't control my husband and his drinking, I couldn't control him not coming home, I couldn't control my grandfather from dying and I couldn't stop my husband from moving to Florida. Granted I know I can't control others, however because of these experiences, I feel like I'm losing control of me.

Today I spent the majority of the day declaring and setting a plan for my new year resolutions. I felt so positive about the goals I'm setting for myself. But just a few short hours later, I start becoming a mess. I am just so sad. I know that being sad and crying is part of going through a divorce. Usually after about 10 to 15 minutes I can regain control of my emotions, but tonight is different. It's been about two hours or so and I can't stop the tears from coming. I try to keep telling myself that this is probably normal and that other people going through the same ordeal I am are having these same feelings. It is just so hard. I never ever thought I would ever feel this low level of sorrow and loneliness.

I know that I have my family, DeMitt's family, and such wonderful friends to help me through this hard time. I sound ridiculous when I say that I feel alone. But at 12:46 am, its pretty lonely.